Week 1 is in the books, and the evidence is damning. Hopium hung 178.76, Todd lost to the entire league at once, and Bailey dropped a game by 0.56 with Jayden Daniels riding the pine.
Total points this league left on the bench in Week 1. That's more than four actual teams scored, put up by guys you personally chose not to play.
Week 1 postgame. Watch it, then read the charges.
Five matchups. Zero excuses. Several crimes against football.
Hopium set a perfect lineup: 100% efficiency, not one point on the wrong side of the bench. Kenneth Walker (37.9) and Christian Watson (32.7) beat their projections by a combined 46 points, and the Pittsburgh D chipped in 25 like it was personal. jakebrack answered with a kicker who scored 1 point and Drake Maye throwing up 10.52. Tucker Kraft got 8. Nobody got right in anything.
TBrack posted the third-best score in the league and still ate an L, because he flexed Jaylen Waddle (0.7) over Parker Washington (16.6). That one swap flips the result. Caleb Williams dropped 38.26, Derrick Henry dropped 38.2, and TBrack still found a way. The gods apparently took the team name as an insult. Vailium left 23.1 on the bench, including a 22.7 from Dallas Goedert, and won anyway. Some people are just born lucky and annoying.
Todd named his team after Colston Loveland, started Colston Loveland, and Colston Loveland gave him a zero. That's not a fantasy team, that's a parasocial relationship. Throw in Ja'Marr Chase, the No. 4 overall pick, for 2.2 and a Houston D that scored negative points, and you've got the league's lowest score. On the other side, the guy whose team is literally called "No MOORE" benched DJ Moore (20.5) to start Rashee Rice (8.9). You wrote the prophecy and then ignored it. D'Andre Swift's 34.7 at flex bailed him out.
noahflyzone left Jalen Coker's 32.8 next to the Gatorade cooler and started Carnell Tate (5.8) at flex. He also sat Stefon Diggs (13.5) for A.J. Brown (4.1). His best possible lineup was 146.16, which wins this game going away. Instead: 75.1% lineup efficiency, worst in the league. And "golden bowers" got a golden zero from Brock Bowers. TheRandyJackson won on the back of Isaiah Likely putting up 23.8 at tight end, a sentence nobody has ever said sober.
Game of the week, for the worst possible reason. Bailey started Bo Nix (5.74) with Jayden Daniels (18.16) on the bench and lost by 0.56. That's a 12.42-point decision in a 0.56-point game. He could have been wrong by 22 times the margin and still won. As for the team name: Dicker scored 2, LaPorta scored 7.3. The porta-potty won. Meanwhile tru69man traded two players for Josh Jacobs, got a zero from Jacobs, and still won with the sixth-best score in the league. Some men fall into a septic tank and come out holding a Rolex.
All-play is your record if you'd played all nine teams. Efficiency is how much of your best possible lineup you actually started.
Perfect lineup, league-high score, and his first-round pick Puka Nacua still only managed 9.9. Name checks out: pure hopium, and somehow it hit. Somebody check this man's phone for a leaked injury report.
Chuba Hubbard at flex for 23.2 and Lamar for 26.66. Left 23.1 on the bench and nobody made him pay for it. Good and lucky is the most insufferable combo in fantasy.
Best loser in the league. McConkey did his part (16.7). Waddle at flex should be a felony. Also rostering Kyler Murray, who scored negative points from the bench, which takes real effort.
Benched Moore and Deebo for 38.56 combined while Adams and Rice started and did 13. Swift and Jonathan Taylor saved his ass. Also dropped Tyreek Hill for Najee Harris, who promptly scored zero.
T-Law held up his half of the name with 26.3. CMC gave 12.3 as the No. 3 pick, so the crown is on layaway. Tee Higgins and DeVonta Smith combined for less than Isaiah Likely.
Below-median score, a trade that returned a zero, and a 1–0 record. This man finds a twenty in every jacket he owns. Enjoy it. It doesn't last.
Bijan and Montgomery both went for 29.4. Then he started Bo Nix over Jayden Daniels and lost by half a point. Should be legally required to wear a sign at the next draft.
Worst efficiency in the league and 36.4 points left on the bench. Had the No. 1 pick, got 35 from Gibbs, and the rest of the starters did jazz hands. Brandon Aubrey scored 1.
Set a near-perfect lineup. The lineup was just bad. Would have beaten exactly one team, and drew the one guy who scored 178. Kicker: 1. QB: 10.52. Vibes: terminal.
Lost to every team in the league simultaneously. Chase 2.2, Loveland 0, Texans D −1.5. Ashton Jeanty (33) and Jaxson Dart (27.7) deserve better parents.
Solid bar is what you scored. Striped bar is what you left on your bench.
Honoring the best, worst, and most legally questionable performances of Week 1.
Highest-scoring player in the league. His manager lost anyway. Brought a flamethrower to a knife fight and forgot the lighter.
Projected 16.99, delivered 2.2, drafted fourth overall. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. Todd, this pick does not fit.
Best bench score in the league, and outscored every starter in the league except seven. Noah watched it happen in real time.
Slowest pursuit in the league. Went backward. Even the Bronco was making forward progress.
Two kickers, one point each. Tyler Loop did 15 for Zmastafarian. Kicking is a skill, apparently, just not for these two.
Traded Rico Dowdle and Garrett Wilson to get him. Garrett Wilson then scored 10.9 in Bailey's flex. Jacobs scored nothing.
Sixth-best score, sub-.500 all-play, and a win. Luck this good should be investigated.
Top tight end of the week. Outscored Trey McBride, Travis Kelce, and a ghost named Brock Bowers.
Week 2 matchups, with the prosecution's opening statement.
No. 4 gets the undefeated, perfectly-set Hopium. Zmast, maybe start DJ Moore this time.
Bailey gets a mulligan against the luckiest man in the league. Start Jayden Daniels. We're begging you.
The league's best loser against a guy riding a tight end hot streak. Waddle stays on the bench, TBrack.
Plot armor meets 0–9 all-play. Todd needs one win before his team name files for a divorce.
The toilet bowl preview, eight weeks early. Loser gets custody of last place.